"the children yearn for myspace"
23/07/2024
five weeks post surgery and living my best life.finally stopped wearing the compression vest and now i'm free. i'm so excited for the family vacation in turkey because it will be my firs time being shirtless in public.
i always write what i'm excited about and to be honest it's just my grind. i'm always excited about something. idk what i would do without my little treats.
today my mom told me a story about how as a baby i loved browsing catalogues from tractor manufacturers. my dad worked at one of their factories and i would ask him about the parts pictured (could barely speak at the time) he would explain what they do. apparantelly i even had favourite tractor parts and would prefer the catalogue to picture books.
just this morning i was thinking about how sad i am that i didn't become a handy man. i think i would love to do something like my dad does but i don't know how. nobody taught me to do all these things and i think it's a bit too late to learn. i would love to try woodworking or fixing electronics but don't know how to start. as a kid i wanted to be an inventor and i think i try to channel this energy into the many projects that i work on, but i'm still missing something physical. the digital works i do (this site, blender models, writing fanfics, photoshopping old czech men so it looks like they're making out) is all fine but sometimes i would like to just build a shelf or something. of course, i also crochet, bookbind (which is about as close to handy maning as i get), sew and do all kind of physical media art (probably rather then digital) but i'd really like to try doing something big. something manly. idk, like forging a sword or fixing an old motorcycle or something.
i've been reading Hrabal's Obsluhoval jsem anglickeho krale and it's so good. probably in the top 5 of my fav books ever. i might make a list on this site, ranking my fav books. i saw the movie some time ago and it was good, solid 7/10 and i thought about it all the time, but the book is so much better and i read 2/3 in few hours because the story is so interesting (they really had to cut it down dramatically for the movie, there is maybe a quart of the actual lore. i feel like the movie is just an illustration for fans of the book) and it's really well written.
14/07/2024
i started exercising after a really long time and it actually feels good now. i never thought i could enjoy it because i had a lot of bad experiences from elementary and middle school (i went to sports school because it was the only one available in my town) associated with it. i don't even know why i started. i had a body image related breakdown some time ago, but i also think it's partly because of finally being comfortable enough moving my body because i don't have breasts anymore.
i'll be moving to a new city for uni in september and i'm so excited about it. i really can't wait to live on my own for the first time in my life. living with my parents is fine, but they are pretty controlling. not in the way that they would forbid me from doing stuff, but especially my mom is always questioning me about everything i do that she finds out of the ordinary. and the questioning is extremely uncomfortable for me. i would love to go for walks in the nearby forests or just get outside, but if i tried to do it, she would interrogate me about why i'm doing it and suspect me of being up to something nefarious just because it's not usual.
this is something i'm looking towards when living alone (well, living with roommates) the most. the freedom to do simple things.
06/07/2024
we had a family reunion yesterday and it was so fun. i didnt want to come at first but then i decided to go for a while, but we had such a good time with my cousins and their friends. i really needed to go out after all this time.
i found this really cool videogame and art installation from 2000 by Mel Chin
02/07/2024
yesterday it was two weeks since i got top surgery
06/06/2024
it was my first day of summer job yesterday and i'm literally so destroyed by it i slept for 20 hours straight and then was so sore i almost couldn't walk
the work was cutting branches of little trees on a field and i spent 9 hours in the sun, at first squatting and gradually progressing into bending down, kneeling and sitting down just to be able to do it. i had to take today off and now i'm considering not coming again, because i don't think i can handle this again for the minimal wage i'm getting for it.
i also have another summer job, where i mow the football field, so i think i'll just stick to that for now. today i sent at least 10 job applications, but it's complicated since i'm not sure when i can start because i'm going to get top surgery (11 days to go!) and i don't think i'll be able to work for at least a month after that.
02/06/2024
it has been exactly 10 days since my graduation and now i can enjoy my longest summer break ever. i picked up a lot of older hobbies (such as bookbinding, sewing and just fucking around and finding out. i'm also almost done with the redesign of this site (everything is done in Brackets, so the updates don't show on the neocities page)
big big shoutout to @snailspng on tumblr because i love their blog so much and they helped me a lot when doing this page (the header image and the png in the right bottom corner are by them!
25/05/2024
so i did my maturita. i got As in all the theoretical subjects and a C for my final project. i'm so happy it's finally over and i can spend time on my own project, such as this site. i think i'm gonna finish the revamp soon and publish it. i'm also currently working on my first shrine dedicated to the velvet revolution and communist regime in czechoslovakia, which has been my main special interest for the past two years.
at first i wanted to write something about the exams, but i still don't have everything sorted out and it will probably take some time before i can write about it. for now i also haven't written anything else. this is somewhat of a recovery phase before i can go back to creating.
i finally scheduled a date for my top surgery (it's going to be on 17th of june) so i don't think i'll be able to work much while recovering.
also! i got accepted into uni, czech language and literature major with a history minor! i'm so happy about this because it was my dream university and i wanted to study in Brno for years! yippee!
15/05/2024
currently it's 2:26 am and i have to work on my project. i was supposed to be done by last friday and spend this week studying for the final exam, but instead i have to do textures, render animations and make posters.
today the teacher told me to finish the last scene and bring the renders by tomorrow morning, so i'm pulling an all nighter. he gave me very confusing directions as to what to do (he told me to bring the poster files optimized for printing on a board that is 240 long. sadly he didn't say 240 of what long. i suppose it's not centimeters, because that would be way too big for the space. and any other measurement also wouldn't make sense.)
i really can't wait until i finish this school and will finally have my deserved rest. i have so many plans for summer.
07/05/2024
i want to completely redo this page once im done with my final project. can't wait. im putting everything off for now because every single time i do something that is not related to the project, i feel guilty about it.
so far i have a color theme in mind. i'd like it to be more old web rather than this tidy layout. it's inspired by this gif below.
30/04/2024
check out this cool thing i found:
19/04/2024
everything has been a haze since i started to work on my final project. i feel no motivation to actually put in any effort because i know i never want to do multimedia again so this is all just to pass the exam
18/04/2024
it's been two days since i finished the To se vysvetli, soudruzi series. it was geniuely one of the best things i've ever seen. the last episode is coming out this sunday and i'm so excited for it. i want to write a fanfic about my favourite characters (Juno 1 and Juno 2! i love them so much! they had like 5 minutes of screen time but they deserve better! if they won't have their own plot line in s2, i'm personally gonna show CT something paranormal (a pipe bomb) also they are played by Tomas Kobr and Michal Kern, who played Arved)
05/04/2024
this is my first post on here. at first i wanted to write in czech, but the diacritics seem to break the HTML, so i decided to write in english. it's a bit unusual for me, because the last time i used english to express myself was in middle school when i was very paranoid about someone finding my diary and reading in it.
right now i'm working on this web and procrastinating my maturita project and homework. i have to do some book reports on pieces i really like, which is the hardest. i just can't write my thoughts on Havel's Zahradni slavnost into a text file and send it to my teacher. maybe i should've chosen something i hate so it would be easier to talk about.
my feelings about literature are so strong i'm literally one sleep deprived morning away from just screaming really loud when Lenicka asks me about Beckett or Werich during maturita. it took me 3 whole years to write a report about the Picture of Dorian Gray.
i have to finish it by tommorrow (evening, i hope) and i'm so fatally sleepy. the kind of tired that comes only on fridays.